Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
You Might Also Like
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes