jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I triple waxed for this?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
We’ve come full circle
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.