Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Sorry. Not sorry
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Buck naked
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Ah..makes sense now
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief