[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.