[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord