[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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I know karate and tons of other words.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.