Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
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Going into Monday like
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
How to find Kentucky on a map
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Canadian owl: Eh?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?