“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.