Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.