*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.