I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!