*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
The first matador
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”