I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Take my advice, I’m not using it.