My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.