[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay