STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I love art.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*