If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.