It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
HR said no more nunchucks.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u