”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Looking at you, Jesus.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Discuss
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]