GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Yeah. This was me today.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Beware of the dog..
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.