[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.