I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
screw you
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.