this is the news I live for
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You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin