“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
fourth time’s the charm
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT