Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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Ok but actually
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you