[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
mumsnet is amazing
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I was bored.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”