Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Here’s a meme
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”