ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks