Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Liquor Store Parking
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.