Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You Might Also Like
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.