[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]