Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.