Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
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It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
pls suprot
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out