If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.