“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.