Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
is this meant to deter me
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,