I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me sliding into hell like
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
you will never know the true number of layers
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.