some Old Testament wisdom
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.