Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.