Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My first son he is wonderful
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*