Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
You Might Also Like
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.