Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Living the best life.. 😊
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets