The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
listen closely
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.