My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
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Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table