*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
New mindset, who dis?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place