I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.