Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
english majors be like furthermore
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past