good morning
You Might Also Like
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”