How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Bit chilly again tonight.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.