Me: OK Fine. π°βπ³π³ cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldnβt say Iβve let quarantine life change me.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Travel tip: If youβre gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
β’ difficult to find someone cool
β’ their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
β’ easy to find rats
β’ they will never complain about what you make for dinner
β’ people will NOT ask to stay over
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright Iβm a snake!
GOD: Well, no youβ
WORM: Iβm a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting wormβs head* Sure buddy
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
So sick of all these stupid rules
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: Iβm here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”